Instance Variable

Married life as a college student

Fri, 30 Sep 2011 09:27:21 -0600

This post by Alli pretty much sums up married life as a college student. Except in my case, it’s “writing code” instead of “writing research papers”. And substitute my wife’s name for Andy.

Yep.

The debilitating curse of perfectionism

Tue, 06 Sep 2011 21:58:38 -0600

Sometimes I tout perfectionism as a laudable trait. Most of the time I think it a terrible curse. Like it or not, I wrestle with it.

Cecil O. Samuelson titled his devotional address this morning “Be Ye Therefore Perfect.” His premise: perfectionism is debilitating. Worthiness is divine, he said, but that is not the same as perfection. We won’t be perfect any time soon, and that’s okay. Doing our best qualifies us to be called worthy. Perfection comes only by grace.

Perfectionists don’t have nearly as much trouble loving God and loving others as they do loving themselves. But that, too, is an essential component of the second great commandment.

So I keep going. It’s no problem loving my friends and family. Even strangers. They’re doing their best, and that’s good enough for me. To develop the same opinion of myself is the challenge.

Apples of Gold

Sun, 21 Aug 2011 11:57:00 -0600

Discovered a wonderful text in Proverbs the other day: 25:11 “A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in pictures of silver.”

I love that imagery. I did a casual search for commentary on that verse and found some on http://bible.cc/proverbs/25-11.htm. Here are a few notes from those commentaries:

“Fitly” may mean “on its wheels”. As Clarke’s Commentary puts it, “An observation, caution, reproof, or advice, that comes in naturally, runs smoothly along, is not forced nor dragged in, that appears to be without design, to rise out of the conversation, and though particularly relative to one point, will appear to the company to suit all.” It is not forced or stilted, and it has no unkind purpose. It flows naturally.
“Apples of gold” may refer to literal apples made of gold, or perhaps to oranges.
“Pictures of silver” probably refers to a setting of some sort—a basket, perhaps. To draw on Carke’s Commentary again, which briefly discusses the filigree silver works done by the “Asiatics,” we learn the following:
“The wise man [author of the Proverbs] seems to have this kind of work particularly in view; and the contrast of the golden yellow fruit in the exquisitely wrought silver basket, which may be all termed picture work, has a fine and pleasing effect upon the eye, as the contained fruit has upon the palate at an entertainment in a sultry climate. So the word spoken judiciously and opportunely is as much in its place, as the golden apples in the silver baskets.”

What a wonderful thing it is when we speak well and in good time. The words we say can build others up, inspire to correct action, heal wrongs, and bring praise to the Lord. I want to live so that the words I speak can be so described.

Time to Think

Fri, 12 Aug 2011 09:38:50 -0600

Time to Think:

Wrote a post about the necessity of having time to think independently, disconnected from cyberspace. Go read it on Global Constant.

"With any major decision there are cautions and considerations to make, but once there has been..."

Mon, 20 Jun 2011 10:48:25 -0600

“With any major decision there are cautions and considerations to make, but once there has been illumination, beware the temptation to retreat from a good thing. If it was right when you prayed about it and trusted it and lived for it, it is right now. Don’t give up when the pressure mounts. Certainly don’t give in to that being who is bent on the destruction of your happiness. Face your doubts. Master your fears. “Cast not away therefore your confidence” (Heb. 10:35). Stay the course and see the beauty of life unfold for you.”

- Elder Jeffrey R. Holland of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles, “Cast Not Away Therefore Your Confidence,” Ensign, Mar. 2000.

As quoted by my friend Cale.

“Totally like whatever, you know?”by Taylor Mali A...

Fri, 20 May 2011 23:38:21 -0600

“Totally like whatever, you know?”
by Taylor Mali

A professor of mine showed this video near the end of last semester, and it has had quite an impact on the way I think about language. I’ve been in the habit of using these softening words in my own speech. This poem has given me a motivation to be more careful about how I speak.

Perhaps this poem will have as big an influence on you as it has had on me.

On-purpose living

Sun, 15 May 2011 00:17:51 -0600

Sister Hall (the BYU Concert Choir director) has a phrase she uses sometimes: “On-purpose singing.” What she means by that is singing with proper technique and focus such that your singing sounds, well, like you did it on purpose. It’s easy for experienced singers to just sing without trying to make it beautiful. It just sort of happens; it might be decent, but it doesn’t sound like it was on purpose.

I’ve been thinking about how that applies to life. These last few weeks I’ve been in survival mode with my Artificial Intelligence class. It’s a full semester course squeezed down into seven weeks during BYU’s “spring term.” CS classes can be heavy enough when they last a whole semester, but this particular class is brutal. I’m working on the project with a partner. We have each spent enough hours on it in the previous two weeks to call CS 470 a full-time job, albeit unpaid and rather unfulfilling.

Because I’ve been in survival mode, a lot of important things have fallen off my priority list. Things like taking time to enjoy eating meals, spending time talking to my roommates (they’re usually all in bed before I get home at night), and spending time with myself to take in the beauty of life. I come to the end of a day having accomplished some of the work I needed to do but very few of the other important things that make life worth living. I crawl into bed unsatisfied, apologetic that I didn’t accomplish all that I should have.

That’s no way to live life. I want to live on purpose. When I get to the end of a day, I need to own what I accomplished and what I didn’t. But I need to be satisfied with how things went, knowing I did my best. I shouldn’t be disappointed in myself when I don’t meet unrealistic expectations.

Life will go on, whether I get an A in CS 470 or whether I get a C-. It won’t really matter in five years. Frankly, it also won’t really matter whether I enjoyed daily life in these two months or went stir-crazy sitting in a lab 13 hours a day. All of that will just be a memory. But right now, it does matter. It’s important that I live on purpose and make the most of each moment.

If CS 470 is teaching me anything, it’s that I need to find the things that bring me the most joy and satisfaction and make those the focus of my life. There will be drudgery as well, but it doesn’t need to be the focus of my life all the time. My mistake in the last few weeks is that I’ve let CS 470 take over, and I haven’t made time to enjoy life and live on purpose.

Here comes another week. Let me try again to live on purpose.

Beginnings and endings

Sun, 24 Apr 2011 21:36:03 -0600

I moved to a new apartment this weekend, and I love it. It’s smaller than my old one, but there are only four of us. That makes it seem a lot bigger per person. Plus, I have enough bookshelf space in my room for all my books (or at least all the ones that I have with me at school), which was not the case at the old place. Wonderful!

It’s been a new beginning for me. I’m still living with my three best friends, and I’m not too far from the old place. So I haven’t lost any of the relationships that are most important to me. That has made it a lot easier to begin again in a new place, because I’m starting right from where I left off.

I finished my TA job last week, and I’m starting a new position this week as a research assistant. While I’m sad to be done working as a TA, I’m excited to continue doing something I love in a new setting.

In the past few weeks and months, a couple of my friends who were in relationships broke up with their girlfriends. That has been an end and a new beginning for them. It’s been interesting to reflect on that and how it affects their lives in ways both good and bad. I’m grateful to be in a stable relationship, even though my fiancee is away visiting family for several weeks. All the same, I can empathize with them for the pain and heartache from ending a relationship as well as the relief and invigoration of starting over. I wish them all the best.

The end of school is always a new beginning. Summer starts and brings with it myriad opportunities. I’m looking forward to all that it brings. I’m leaving behind the bad things that have happened and cherishing the good memories. It’s wonderful to be starting again!

To all of you, my friends, I wish you the best. Keep in touch!

Artistry

Sat, 09 Apr 2011 12:37:03 -0600

Sister Hall said something in rehearsal yesterday that struck me. It went more or less like this:

The higher the level of artistry in a performance, the fewer people appreciate it. The opposite is also true. That’s why Living Legends and Young Ambassadors are always sold out. That’s why Men’s Chorus is always sold out. And that’s why BYU Singers and Concert Choir will never be sold out. The music we sing demands a lot of our audience. When people go out for the night, they don’t want to have things demanded of them.

So I never need to feel bad that our concerts aren’t sold out. We just attract a higher caliber of people, and there aren’t as many of them to go around.

Besides. Even if only one person came, our music would make a difference to that one person.

Concert Choir concert April 7-8

Wed, 06 Apr 2011 22:58:51 -0600

The semester is almost over, and it’s time for the final concert of the season for BYU Singers and Concert Choir. The concert is this Thursday and Friday in the de Jong Concert Hall at BYU.

As is my custom, I’ve written a few unofficial program notes to help you prepare for the concert if you’re planning to come. The Concert Choir will be performing three sets, which are as follows:

Chichester Psalms
This magnificent piece was composed by Leonard Bernstein for a choir and orchestra. The version we are performing is his Bernstein’s own reduction to organ, harp, and percussion. It is a setting of six psalms, divided into three movements. The music itself will likely be quite foreign to you. It combines many modern and symbolic elements into a production that is sometimes jarring and sometimes overwhelmingly beautiful. Sister Hall will give a short lecture demonstration before we sing the piece (which itself is about 15 minutes long). The demonstration will point out various elements, themes, and constructions that you can listen for to better appreciate the piece. If you want to get a head start, I highly recommend reading the Wikipedia article. It does a good job of explaining the background and structure. Familiarizing yourself with the psalms texts that are used will also help you understand the setting.

Light and Darkness
This set will include three pieces:

Illumina le Tenebre - A haunting, ethereal setting of a prayer by St. Francis of Assisi. We premiered this piece in our concert in the Tanner Building in January.
Song to the Moon - A choral adaption of an operatic aria by Dvorak. Very typical of Romantic style and content.
Summer Suns are Glowing - Praise for the beauty of creation as summer arrives with all its splendor.

Departing
Also includes three pieces:

Little Elegy - An elegy to a dearly beloved person who has departed, leaving the world never to be the same.
There Will Be Stars - Set by Frank Tichelli (who will be familiar to those of you acquainted with band repertoire), this poem tells of the constancy of the stars, even amidst the changing world.
If You Were Coming in the Fall - This song is a setting of the first four stanzas of a poem by Emily Dickinson. It is about someone who is absent; the speaker can only hope that sometime—perhaps soon, perhaps not—that loved one will return. But she has no certainty of it.

I love the music we’ve been preparing and hope you will enjoy it as much as I do!

Dutch/Indonesian peanut sauce

Fri, 04 Mar 2011 21:28:41 -0700

I had great success tonight making some Dutch/Indonesian peanut sauce. That sauce, together with chicken and rice, was one of my favorite dishes to make when I lived in Holland. There, you can buy the sauce in the store as a very thick paste, to which you add water. Unfortunately, the only place to buy that here in Utah is at the Old Dutch Store in Salt Lake. Seven dollars is a bit much to pay for the sauce for one meal, so I set out to find a good recipe.

This is the first recipe I’ve tried, and it went really well. I’ll probably make modifications as I go along, but it tasted pretty authentic as it was. I found the original here. I started out trying to follow the recipe exactly, but it didn’t make nearly enough for three people, and I didn’t want it to be quite as spicy. As such, I changed the quantities of quite a few things.

My version looks more or less like this:

Ingredients:
1/2 of a small yellow onion, diced
Some butter
1-2 cups peanut butter (not actually sure how much I used)
2 Tbsp ketjap manis (soy sauce might also work in a smaller quantity)
3-4 Tbsp dark brown sugar
Some lemon juice
1-2 Tbsp sambal (to taste)
1/2 cup milk (maybe more)
2-3 crushed garlic cloves

Preparation:
Fry the onions in butter in a small saucepan. Add the peanut butter at a low simmer. Once the peanut butter is melted, add the ketjap, sugar, lemon juice, and sambal. Gradually add the milk to bring the sauce to the desired thickness. (If you’ve never had it before, think of the thickness of country gravy, and then a little thicker.) Add the garlic and mix thoroughly. Adjust the ingredients to taste.

If you give it a try, let me know what you think of it!

Priorities and time management

Tue, 22 Feb 2011 22:10:33 -0700

Two weeks ago, I was approached by a friend of mine who is in the beginning stages of creating a startup. Two other of his friends (one a programmer, one a businessman) were already on board with the idea. He invited me to a meeting to discuss the design of the project. I went and was excited about the idea. But there was still something looming over my head: time.

I’m probably about as busy as the other three guys, so it was hard to use that as an excuse. In reality, the problem isn’t time. It’s priorities.

These three all have pretty stable lives already: two are married and the other, though single, has a salaried job. So even though all four of us are still in school, they are in more of a position to take risks with a startup than am I. Because of that, I imagine it’s easier for them to make a startup venture a priority than it is for me.

At any rate, I decided today that I won’t be working on the project. The reason isn’t because I don’t have the time, but because I have other priorities that are more important (school, paid work, friends, and the like). I could make the time for the startup if I wanted to, but I’m choosing to use that time for other things instead.

What have I learned?

Since that Tuesday two weeks ago, I have started doing a few things to improve my use of time. One is sleeping 6 hours a night but always at the same time. I got this idea from an ebook called “40 Sleep Hacks: The Geek’s Guide to Optimizing Sleep” that I read a few months ago. An acquaintance of mine has been doing it since about that same time, and he really likes it. So far, it has worked out well for me, too. I have an extra two hours a day. I’m not any more tired than I was when I slept irregularly for 6-9 hours a night. And I have adequate time in the morning to eat a good breakfast, study the scriptures, and prepare for the day. It’s been great!

The other thing I’ve been doing is keeping track of the time I spend on various things. I got an app on my phone called Clock In. The purpose is not to track what I’m doing every minute of the day but rather to identify where I’m spending my “working time:” the time when I’m not eating or spending time with friends. I’m not sure yet what I’m going to do with this data, but it should present some interesting trends after a while. I’ll keep you posted if my findings are worth sharing.

BYU Combined Choirs with Dr. Copeland

Mon, 21 Feb 2011 21:38:41 -0700

I’m so excited for this week’s concert with the BYU combined choirs and a guest conductor, Dr. Philip Copeland of the University of Alabama at Birmingham. In preparation for that, I’ve written a few program notes for you to read through. If you want a 2-for-1 code, RSVP on the Facebook event page.

The Concert Choir (which I sing in) will be performing three pieces, and we’ll be singing one other with all the choirs together. Here they are:

In Paradisum by Matthew D. Nielsen

Matt Nielsen is a member of the BYU Singers, and he wrote this motet last year specifically for the Concert Choir. Tonight is more or less its debut performance. The text comes from the end of the Requiem Mass, in which the spirit of the deceased person is finally bid farewell and wished a safe journey into paradise. Consistent with that feeling, the piece has an ethereal quality, accomplished more through tonal clusters and melodic fragments than flowing melodies. As part of the Requiem Mass it is a prayer for the deceased. But as Matt pointed out in his own notes at the beginning of the piece, it can also be a comfort to those of us among the living who are facing death, either ourselves or of a loved one. Altogether, it is a very moving piece.

Chichester Psalms by Leonard Bernstein

We are singing the first of three psalm settings written by Bernstein for a choral festival in Chichester. It was originally composed for a full orchestra (including percussion) and choir. Our version is an organ reduction with percussion, but it will be performed on two pianos. (At our concert in April, we will perform the whole piece with organ.) The piece is rather jarring the first time you hear it, as it uses a lot of dissonance and constant modulation. To best enjoy the piece, listen for the melody introduced by the men after the grandiose introduction. That melody travels through the various sections of the choir, changing key and setting as it goes. The text is Psalm 100. The first few bars come from Psalm 108:2: “Awake, psaltery and harp. I will rouse the dawn!” The joyful, almost boisterous introduction conveys that exuberance wonderfully.

Song to the Moon by Antonin Dvořák

We sang this piece at our concert in the Tanner Building last month. This piece is a choral transcription of an aria from the opera “Rusalka” by Dvorak. It is a very Romantic song to the moon, asking it to “stay awhile” and “lighten the path of [the wanderer’s] lone journey.” Near the end of the piece you will hear some tonal structures reminiscent of the majestic horn opening of “Largo” from the New World Symphony.

O Love That Will Not Let Me Go by Joseph M. Martin

I wrote some of my thoughts on this song a few weeks ago on this blog. This is a gorgeous song, and probably my favorite of the pieces we’re performing tonight.

Arnie

Sat, 19 Feb 2011 15:59:16 -0700

I took a few minutes this afternoon in the Harris Fine Arts Center to stop and look at the Casey Childs exhibit. Most of his works were paintings or charcoal drawings. One of them in particular, a charcoal portrait titled “Arnie,” stood out to me.

Arnie’s face is worn and wrinkled. He looks to be a man in his late 40s or perhaps 50s. The eyes betray sadness, and it almost seems a tear is forming in the corner of one. It is apparent that he has spent much of his life doing difficult, tiring work. But his mouth tells a different story. The lips are pressed together and look just as tired as the rest of his face. They do not form a smile, but neither do they form a frown. Rather, they have a contented, satisfied look, hinting that deep in this man’s heart, he is happy. No matter the hard work and the troubles of life; these will be finished in their time. Arnie has reason to be happy despite it all.

What a great attitude that is to have about life! Life is hard at times, sure. But that doesn’t outweigh all the good things, the happy things, the sacred things. We have enough; we are enough. There is so much reason for us to be happy and optimistic.

"The Perfection Syndrome" and measurability

Thu, 17 Feb 2011 16:36:15 -0700

I read a great editorial this afternoon in the Daily Universe called “The Perfection Syndrome”. Jade’s thesis is summed up pretty well by this excerpt:

Perhaps the most annoying of pointless criticisms come in the form of self-righteousness. BYU students are recognized around the country for our high moral values. We don’t have to deal with the same roommate immorality and drunkenness issues our friends at other universities do. But even those of us who pray, read our scriptures and attend church regularly are often not good enough for some of our fellow students.

Faithful students at this university get publicly lambasted for a few too many inches of knee showing or a little scruff. Their good works mean nothing to some if they study on Sunday, boo during games or think scripture parodies are funny.

This spurs a very interesting study in human behavior. We can (and are apt to) judge easily on criteria that are measurable. It’s a lot easier to judge someone based on whether he shaved this morning than whether he read his scriptures this morning. That, for the simple fact that someone’s appearance is measurable while their actions in private are not.

I support BYU’s Honor Code, but I don’t like the culture that has grown around it. Academic honesty is just as much a part of the Honor Code as the dress code. I would even argue that academic honesty is more important than how you dress or groom yourself. The problem is that BYU students can’t easily evaluate each other on academic honesty because it’s something you can’t see. So they judge each other on outward things.

The gospel of Jesus Christ encourages us not to judge others merely on their appearance but to be charitable in our relationships. There is much about a person we simply don’t know. Indeed,

The Lord seeth not as man seeth; for man looketh on the outward appearance, but the Lord looketh on the heart.

1 Samuel 16:7

As easy as it is to measure some things, they shouldn’t be given so much emphasis that they outweigh the more important things that can’t be measured.

Let’s not judge each other so much. This is something I can work on as well. I believe that people are basically good. Even when they do something wrong, there are a lot of things they are doing right that I may or may not ever see. I ought to be more charitable and forgiving in relating to others. Let us strive to see others as the Lord sees them.

O Love That Will Not Let Me Go

Thu, 10 Feb 2011 19:37:00 -0700

I savor the privilege of singing in the BYU Concert Choir. Each day at 2:00, I get to set aside everything I’m working on, everything that weighs me down—all the worries and annoyances and troubles of the world. All these I set down and leave outside as I enter the Madsen Recital Hall. Often quoted is the passage from Mozart’s Magic Flute, “Within these hallowed halls.” That’s something I ought to write about another time.

Yesterday was a bit of a rough day for me, so coming to choir was a welcome relief. One of the pieces we’re working on right now is called “O Love That Will Not Let Me Go.” It is a Methodist hymn by George Matheson, with a musical setting (not the original tune) by Joseph M. Martin. It is beautiful. Yesterday as we sang the song, I was touched by the truth of the words. This is how it goes:

O Love that will not let me go,
I rest my weary soul in Thee;
I give Thee back the life I owe,
That in Thine ocean depths
Its flow may richer, fuller be.

O Light that follows all my way,
I yield my flick’ring torch to Thee;
My heart restores its borrowed ray,
That in the sunshine’s blaze
Its day may brighter, fairer be.

O Joy that seeks me through my pain,
I cannot close my heart to Thee;
I trace the rainbow through the rain,
And know the promise is not vain,
That morn will tearless be.

O Cross that raises up my head,
I dare not ask to fly from Thee;
I lay in dust life’s glory dead,
And from the ground there blossoms red
Life that shall endless be.

The whole text is profound, but the third verse was particularly meaningful to me yesterday. Even in all our pain and sorrows, however great or small they may be, the Lord seeks us out to bring us joy. I, too, cannot close my heart to His grace and love when He comes seeking me like that. In those trials, I view the rainbow: its presence due equally to the rain ahead of and the sun behind me. Seeing that rainbow, I know that the Lord is mindful of me. Tomorrow dawns a brighter day; the rain will stop and things will get better. The Lord will support me through everything. What a wonderful promise and comfort that is!

The story behind the text is touching as well—you can read more about it here.

EDIT: Adam, a fellow choir member, posted his thoughts about this song on his blog today.

Proof by induction

Sun, 09 Jan 2011 21:46:00 -0700

In the CES fireside tonight, something that Elder Christofferson said struck me. His talk was about living life day by day and letting tomorrow take care of itself (not at the expense of proper planning, of course, but by not worrying too much about the future). At one point, he related that to working toward a goal. If you have a goal, you only need to worry about whether you can keep it today. Don’t worry about the rest of the week and whether you’ll be able to hold out. If you can just do it today, you’ll be fine.

That reminded me of the mathematical principle of proof by induction. In order to prove that you can achieve the goal in the long run, you only need to prove that you can achieve it today, and that you will be able to keep going tomorrow. Then you have enough information to prove by induction that it’s possible.

Beautiful principle.

Some goals for 2011

Sat, 01 Jan 2011 09:17:39 -0700

Happy New Year! This is a wonderful time of new beginnings, and I’ve set a few goals for myself for the year.

Jay McCarthy mentioned something in his post this morning that I think is worth repeating:

One thing I realize now is that it is better to set goals about what you will do than what you will accomplish. I do have an end in my [sic], of course, but the means is the measurable thing, so I think that’s the best thing to make a resolution of.

Most of these are also day-to-day things, the “means” to the end, as Jay put it.

Read every day. Jay and another of my professors (both of whom I really respect) have mentioned that they spend time every day reading. That’s important for them not just as educators but as seekers of knowledge themselves. As a student, I often only make time to read my textbooks, while I spend other precious time doing other less-important things. This year I’m going to make more time to spend reading. As I envision it, that will include a lot of different kinds of books, from fiction to religion to computer science. There’s a lot out there that I want to learn.
Write every day in a journal, either in my physical written journal or in Momento. The latter is much easier for short-form writing, and it has the nice side-effect of also compiling all my digital activity from Twitter, Facebook, blogs, etc. But I don’t want to neglect the physical record of myself that I leave behind.
Make time for people. I’m an introvert. But because of that, it’s really easy (and comfortable) for me to just do my work by myself and not spend enough time with the people around me. I want to be there for my friends and family, even as busy as we all are. I’ve noticed over and over that the times when I stopped everything else and just focused on people were well worth the effort, even when my productivity suffered initially.

Those are really simple goals, but I think that focusing on them will go a long way in improving my intellect, spiritual well-being, and relationships.

Good luck to you with your goals this year!

Time to breathe

Sun, 26 Dec 2010 22:08:41 -0700

Christmas break is always a nice, well, break. Especially being in college now, any break is the figurative manna from heaven. And breaks between semesters are the best, because they mean that there’s no possible way I could have homework that’s due when I get back. Thanksgiving falls into that category of intra-semester breaks, as it was filled with paper-writing this year. But Christmas! Oh, Christmas. A wonderful thing. A time to breathe and step back from the crazed pace of modern life.

My impetus for writing today is because this week two of my friends have started blogs, and another has returned from a long hiatus. They got me thinking about all the people that have helped me in my life. While I won’t go into detail about each of them here (this isn’t really the right setting for that), I do want to say thank you to all of you.

Thank you to those of you who have been there to listen to me, to give me your advice, to comfort me when I was down and be happy with me when things were going well. Thank you for making my life so wonderful. I really couldn’t have done it without all of you. And you know who you are. Thanks, guys!

Of course, I can’t write a post on the day after Christmas without wishing you all a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year! May the Lord bless you in all you do, and may you have success and happiness in the coming year. I’m looking forward to the adventure.

"It is important to know, when you feel down, that many others do also and that their circumstances..."

Thu, 09 Sep 2010 10:20:35 -0600

“It is important to know, when you feel down, that many others do also and that their circumstances are generally much worse than yours. And it’s important to know that when one of us is down, it becomes the obligation of his friends to give him a lift.”

- Gordon B. Hinckley, “Strengthening Each Other,” Ensign, Feb. 1985, 4